Funny Quotes Part 133

• I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …” - Demetri Martin

• How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. - Jimmy Kimmel

• Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch

• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

• I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. - Robert Brault

• Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. - David Letterman

• “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” - Alcohol

• A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. - Comedian Rich Hall

• I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. - Comedian Mitch Hedberg

• “Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” - Ellen DeGeneres